Trash Talk Thursdays

The best covers go to Star and Us. Star because "Stabbed in the heart! Tony CHEATS on Jessica IN HER OWN BED!" Poor Jessica is not only stabbed in the heart, but according to Star, kind of a big fattie. I would say that maybe she just needed a more flattering outfit. I would say that until I got a look at the spread of Jessica's, well, spread in Us.

What I like about Us is, they never just phone it in. They offer pictures of the offending outfit from every unflattering angle to provide solid evidence. At least they bother to make the point that there was a really bad fashion choice involved. Girls with hot curves do not need bulky printed belts way up on their bellies. I also think Jess neded a better bra.

Us also has a spread on our cover girls: The First Lady and The First Daughters, who are still the best thing ever. For no real reason, they toss in a wistful inset shot to remind us that Jen is "Alone Again." I can only assume that the throwaway one-pager is to prepare us for the schadenfruede deluxe they have planned for her upcoming 40th birthday/inevitably loveless Valentine's Day. Dare we hope they offer a blurry shot of her being a third wheel at the Courtney Cox/David Arquette Valentine's Day Dinner? I could make it up myself: A source says, "At first Jen looked sad as she poked at her salmon. She was really quiet, but after a few glasses of wine she put on a brave face. Courtney said something funny and they laughed and laughed. But David grumbled that he didn't know why he didn't just become a polygmaist since it's like he's got two wives anyway." 


Cheer up Jen, if you're not spending your Valentine's Day on some college campus watching earnest, little feminists perform The Vagina Monologues for "V Day" you are waaaaaaaaaaay ahead of the game. Nothing takes you out of the hearts-and-flowers mood like two-plus hours of sex crimes and incest. And chocolate genital-shaped lollipops at the refreshments stand. Let's not forget that one. Sorry, I was just having a really bad PTSD flashback to one of the things I had to do in the name of love.