Monday Morning Motivation

We've given up our rogue ways and quit embedding dance party videos because The Cranky Pants over at YouTube  get all scowly when we do that. Here is our positive thought to get the day off to a good start: Remember how much fun recess was in elementary school? What if instead of grumbling about the "recession", we take the root word, mix up the rest and add an "s." Then we've got: "Recess is on." That's so much more fun, right? Now click the headline for our Totally Legal Dance Party (TM).


Tipping Point: Don't worry, it gives you wrinkles. Do you people want that? Also, sleeping on a satin pillowcase keeps your skin smooth and unlined. Listen to me and you may age as gracefully as Geeky Splendor.

Mystical Negro Advisory

Have you been having unusually vivid, perhaps even disturbing, dreams lately? Take heed, people. Mystical Negro is here to tell you that there is some serious psychic intensity going on right now. Don't just shrug it off as too much Ambien, Grey Goose and hot sauce before bed, these messages are coming to you from your angels, ancestors, God, Xenu, Morgan Fairchild, the universe, your subconscious or whatever you want to call it.

Remember your dreams, write them down, interpret the signs and get ready. We are all in for some major changes and the best way to prepare for the road ahead is to read the signs. And just remember, there is a difference between positive thinking and magical thinking, so dismiss these omens at your own peril. I have spoken. (I planned on telling you all this yesterday, but was still to vexed by the Miss America travesty to deal with it. My bad.)


Tipping Point: Practice total-body head-to-toe relaxation right before you get to sleep and try to spend at least five or ten minutes just quietly musing on your dreams before you get out of bed or start talking to people.

Why God? Why?

Miss Georgia didn't win?! Really? I'm just too vexed to blog. Give Geeky Splendor time to process the injustice of it all. You'll have regrets, Pageant Officials. Mark my words.

I was planning on sharing some important Mystical Negro psychic predictions and engaging in a little pagan goddess worship today, but now, I just need time to walk the moors and brood.

Well, after I get out of bed this afternoon and have a few mimosas, maybe — just maybe — I'll clue you all in to some important news from the mystical realm.

I just want to add, this is what comes from allowing pantsuits and two-pieces and moving the whole thing from Atlantic City to Vegas. Chaos, madness, injustice. Sigh.

Mystical Negro's Psychic Prediction

Have you noticed that our beloved Oprah seems like she's coming undone this week? There was that kind of awkward "I'm a big fattie" confession and all kinds of self-flagellation. Okay, we've all been there. Geeky Splendor is a fat ass right now so we are low-carbing our way back to perfect single-digit dress size cuteness. If you ask me, which you did not, I think she's freaking out because her dreamy secret boyfriend — who in a shocking twist is also my dreamy secret boyfriend — is about to be inaugurated on January 20 and she wants to be sleek and babelicious for the Best Inauguration Ever.

Well, Oprah, I know you have never heard of this lame ass blog are reading this, but don't worry, you're still Oprah. You'll slim down again. And our secret boyfriend doesn't think any less of you. You're a star. Now turn that frown upside down. And also, go away for a few minutes, I have to gossip about your personal business with our other readers.

Okay, now I can tell you what's in my crystal ball. I don't think Oprah is just vexed about being fat again. No, she has something else on her mind and you will find out what it is this year (early 2010 at the latest, but probably 2009). Oprah is wrestling with whether, when and how to go public with a very personal detail. She has been gradually preparing us all for this revelation for years, but isn't ready to spill yet because it will be quite controversial. Several other very big-name celebs who have been in the headlines lately are holding her hand through the process and paving the way for her to make the announcement.

My psychic powers tell me that when Oprah does break the news, it's going to be seen as a major trend because a few other big names (And I mean major players) are going to be talking about the very same topic. Expect a hint of some kind in May or June and the reveal itself should come in September or November. There will be a lot of speculative "Is Oprah losing it?" stories in the tabloids, but they'll die down after hordes of well-coifed, sweater-set wearing suburban types follow suit. You may all marvel at my insights into the mystical realm at that time.