Trash Talk Thursday: Little Miss Perfect

  Well, a while back, Geeky Splendor heaped praise on TLC for the gem Toddlers & Tiaras. Now, we've got to talk about WE's show Little Miss Perfect. It's got a lot of the same ground covered: bullied, bedazzled children; overbearing mothers; the mathematical impossibility that winning $1,000 somehow makes up for the ridiculous amount of money the parents sink into these scams. We actually prefer Toddlers & Tiaras, but Little Miss Perfect does have an ace in the hole: the song stylings of Michael Galanes, the pageant director, who regularly scares the bejesus out of, we mean, entertains the contestants with a song he penned about lemon drops and unicorns and a life spent in therapy or something or other. He's not just a pageant director, but he coaches kids, too. 





You have not lived until you've seen this glorious creature do a sassy little dance to "Yankee Doodle Dandy." If for no other reason than to incorporate the phrase "Wow Wear" into your daily speech, please watch this show.

Trash Talk Thursday: TV Edition

Goddess bless, you TLC! There is an addictive show that Geeky Splendor is hooked on, Toddlers & Tiaras. It's all about this strange land called America (You know, the parts between New York and California) and child beauty pageants. Dreamy sigh. In addition to the incredible fabulosity that is a six-year-old with a spray-on tan, "flippers" (fake teeth) and cheesetastic hairpieces, there are actually some interesting surprises. Yeah, you knew about pageant moms, but did you know some of them compete against kids in certain pageants? There are also pageant dads and competitions for said dads. There are little boys in these things, too, though they are spared a certain degree of foolishness. The parents aren't all what you might have envisioned. The episode this week featured contestants with two mommies. That pleases Geeky Splendor because we believe in equality, which means everyone deserves a chance to be portrayed as a total wackadoo. 






Lest you think it's all mocking and sarcasm, there are some heartwarming, inspiring tales. Or at least one. If you can, please catch the episode where the winsome, noncrazy Kayleigh and her winsome, noncrazy family go up against little Story, who will hopefully get to be winsome and noncrazy once she is old enough to put her little foot down. Anyway, winsome, noncrazy Kayleigh and Co. are a shining example of why it's good to march to the beat of your own drummer. And they also happen to be in a pageant in Georgia that does not make you want to call CPS.


Tipping Point: If you ever find yourself in a pageant, don't forget to pack some of our beloved Vaseline . A little bit slicked across your teeth will help you to maintain a fake smile for much longer.

Monday Morning Motivation

We've given up our rogue ways and quit embedding dance party videos because The Cranky Pants over at YouTube  get all scowly when we do that. Here is our positive thought to get the day off to a good start: Remember how much fun recess was in elementary school? What if instead of grumbling about the "recession", we take the root word, mix up the rest and add an "s." Then we've got: "Recess is on." That's so much more fun, right? Now click the headline for our Totally Legal Dance Party (TM).


Tipping Point: Don't worry, it gives you wrinkles. Do you people want that? Also, sleeping on a satin pillowcase keeps your skin smooth and unlined. Listen to me and you may age as gracefully as Geeky Splendor.

Why God? Why?

Miss Georgia didn't win?! Really? I'm just too vexed to blog. Give Geeky Splendor time to process the injustice of it all. You'll have regrets, Pageant Officials. Mark my words.

I was planning on sharing some important Mystical Negro psychic predictions and engaging in a little pagan goddess worship today, but now, I just need time to walk the moors and brood.

Well, after I get out of bed this afternoon and have a few mimosas, maybe — just maybe — I'll clue you all in to some important news from the mystical realm.

I just want to add, this is what comes from allowing pantsuits and two-pieces and moving the whole thing from Atlantic City to Vegas. Chaos, madness, injustice. Sigh.

Shallow End Of The Pool: Inaugural Edition

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Whew! do you guys realize how close we came to not having the bestest ever inauguration, all because some makeup artist almost ruined it for all of us by not paying attention to brow trends? You guys are so lucky to have me to keep you from making these kinds of errors. That said, I can't wait until we can all go back to a nice bitchy high-arched brow. That's my favorite, but I'm suffering along with the rest of you through the whole current soft and gentle thing in the name of beauty.

The Best Possible Use Of Your Time

If you enjoy fancy pageant walking, tiaras and the possibility that a little good olde-skoole cattiness might erupt, you seriously need to be watching Miss America: Countdown To The Crown on TLC. It's fabulous. And it features Kym Douglas, one of the goddesses who we worship at Geeky Splendor, as a celebrity judge. I trust you all remember that Kym totally prevented you all from having a big fashion disaster not that long ago. The show is on Fridays at 10 p.m. EST. If you miss this, well, I guess I just don't know who you are anymore. Go Miss Georgia, go!

"You Don't Need To Know Who I Am"

Yesterday, I was looking for a multivitamin and my friend accompanied me to a snooty shop that I like because it's on Park Avenue and the word "chemist" is in the title, which opens the door for me to say, "By the by, when I was at the chemist on Park Avenue...."

The store also also has way too many options for our pretty little heads. Just as I was saying to my friend that maybe I should just get One A Day from some tedious, non-snooty pharmacy, a random shopper appears in my field of vision and starts chattering about which vitamins I should take. I am assuming that the expression on my face suggested that I was wondering why a stranger interrupted my private conversation for an intense, one-sided "Come-to-Jesus" meeting about vitamins. I am only assuming this because she stared me in my face as she announced: "You don't need to know who I am." Needless to say, I'm too well-bred to respond, "Um, that's good — because that is of no interest to me." I don't remember a thing that she was talking about because the term "for older women" was part of her sentence.

A few minutes later Random Crazy Lady was back AGAIN, buzzing around my head like one of those big, gimpy summer flies that slowly whirl around your head, but suddenly pick up speed when you're ready to swat. I cut off her earnest bleating to ask, "What did you mean before when you said 'for older women?' "She quit talking at me for a blissful second, then started rambling on again. After the part where she stammered, "when we ... uh ... get past our ... you know ... our 30s and our 40s (!?)... not that I'm saying you...." I would like to think that my trademark Withering Glare Of Death (TM) is what finally got Random Crazy Lady to go away.

The entire ordeal was too taxing, so I sailed off with my nose — sans vitamins, which is why I probably am about to drop dead from scurvy. I did, however, go to a non-snooty drugstore to load up on scrubs and masks because I don't need any more implications that I am Miss Jane Pittman.

Well, Duh!

Vaseline is the most indispensible beauty product ever. (Let us count some of the many the ways we at Geeky Splendor use it:

1. Lip balm
2. Clear lip gloss
3. Converting a matte lipstick we don't like into a cute lip gloss by making a paste out of the offending lipstick and the Vaseline (Save all your old little sample size glass and plastic pots for this. Add a little honey for extra moisturizing and to make it taste yummy, too.)
4. Boob lube
5. Eyebrow tamer
6. Eyelash conditioner
7. Eye cream
8. Makeup remover
9. Facial moisturizer
10. Hand cream
11. Cuticle softener
12. Nail "polish" when we aren't wearing polish
13. Manicure extender when our nail polish starts to look dull
14. Heel softener
15. Shoe shine, yeah, we know that's ghetto. We can live with that.
16. Relief for our sad, red noses when we have a cold and have to blow it all the time
17. Lotion thickener (Add a dab to watery drug store lotions to give them a creamy consistency.)
18. Seasonal facial moisturizer booster (Just a tiny dab added to facial moisturizer when you need to combat dry winter skin.)
19. Beauty pageant smile when forced to assume a pleasant expression for long periods of time (Okay, we haven't really done this. Maybe.... But if it's good enough for Miss America. Just put a little on your teeth if you have an extended photo shoot or something.)
20. Gang fights. (Okay, we seriously haven't done this one. But we hear that if you are about to have to cut a b*tch, you should coat your face with it because said b*tch may be thinking of cutting you, too.)

Shallow End of the Pool

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Here we are one day before New Year's Eve. Did you get your end-of-year mani/pedi/brow wax yet? Me either, I'm back with the runaway ... serf look. I'm here to let you know that the new brow is not overly arched. It's not exactly rustic, but you can forget about the super high arch and let the brows look a little fuller. You will feel so smug going into 2009 with the knowledge that your are up on brow fashions.



Tipping Point: Do you still use hairspray? If you do, spritz some on the eyebrow brush and it'll help tame your brows. Or you can just dab on Vaseline, which is the best beauty product in the whole wide world.

Holiday Survival Guide Tip No. 9: Cold and Flu Edition

Cold and flu season is not fun, frivolous or fabulous, but you could make a case for it being fashionable since everyone is doing it. This weekend, I got in on the trend —— and came across a wonderful folk remedy for a sore throat and it features beauty items!  Take some apple cider vinegar and pour it in a glass of warm water (put in as much vinegar as you can stand), add honey, and cayenne pepper, mix it up and gargle it down. After the first gargle-and-spit, gargle and swallow a little. Your throat will feel really warm, but certainly not achy and it does not taste too bad, at least it's not sickeningly sweet like cough medicine. In fact, if you like spicy food, it tastes kinda yummy.

Oh, and you want to know where the beauty products come in, right? Well, honey softens your dry, chapped lips, so just put a dab on. And sipping apple cider vinegar in warm water before meals is supposed to boost your metabolism and help you slim down, so you can look at my cold as a public beauty service for everyone.

Holiday Survival Guide Tip No. 7

There is no scenario that I can think of where a spa day isn't the best thing ever. This little chestnut just popped up in my in-box and I must share so that everyone can spa.

Shallow End of the Pool

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So, let's say, for the sake of argument, that you are too lazy to go get a manicure. Or broke. Or busy. Or whatever. You can totally get trophy wife nails with Kiss Feather Light Nail Kit. Yes, they are press-on, but they look sooo much better than back in the old days. The glue has a pink tint to it, so it looks natural underneath the French manicure tip. And they are easy to apply, even if you are a little on the spazzy side. You may not be able to type or do, you know, labor of any kind while wearing them, but they will make your fingers look long and glammy, so it's all about priorities. It costs less than $6 at Walgreens. How can you go wrong?

Holiday Survival Guide Tip No. 3

Assuming that you are as popular as  Geeky Splendor, you're probably all booked up for holiday parties. Or at least all the freebie wine-and-cheese/goodie bag events you can get into as the "plus one." Anyway, you're going to need to show off your pearly whites for lots of photos. I have been using It Cosmetics Signature Smile Brightening Lip Gloss for a few months. It looks blue in the tube, but it goes on clear and really does make teeth look whiter instantly. I can assure you that this is so much easier than trying to smile with your eyes.

Shallow End of the Pool

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Recession be damned. I finally got a manicure. Had to be done. I was sporting a look that could best be described as "runaway slave." If you're feeling like you'd like to just don a beret, sit in a Parisian bistro and groove to Josephine Baker and Edith Piaf, have I got some news for you. OPI's fall/winter line is the La Collection De France, featuring all types of Jerry Lewis-approved shades. I'm wearing Tickle My France-y, which is a nude tone and it's simply, ahem, mauvelous.

Tipping Point: If your nails are brittle, try soaking them for 20 minutes in a little warm olive oil for a week and see if you notice a difference. Popping a biotin every day helps, too.